i think mecury is in retrograde; life is at a serious imbalance

the logic behind this post:



'it's been like a month since i've seen a therapist, the move back and the delay on getting my blue cross card has hampered my ability to even get a new list of doctors, so i have four days until i get my ativan refilled, &because of the uncommonly high dosage i'm on i have a really nerve racking time coming off of the addiction i'm prescribed to have for my health, what a weird concept. the only problem being that, there are days i don't want to be stoned on ativan and just live life, &others where i need to take more than my dose to stay calm. frankly it's fine with me i just feel like i'm being annoying because the end result in me leaving my house is just a continuous rant. it's not so big of a deal to me, other than i feel like an incessant &repetitive because of the short term memory loss ativan causes, i understand it's my own fault but i'm not used to having prescription medications, especially considering the level of my medication, i'm sometimes absent minded about it, &there have been at least several mornings that i've taken 3000mg of depokote because i woke up to pee or something &took them to cover my base for the day, &after going back to sleep not being able to remember doing that while dreaming or what, i have a pill day divider thing, i just feel like an old woman using that system but i guess it fits with the whole selective &almost obsessive manner i've organized my desk into. '


+. I feel an overall wellness, drastically improved manners (though i could see where someone could misconstrue my sincerity for sarcasm; which happens all the time)

+.definite&sincere improvementsw/self; wrestling with myself to the degree that i managed to cork the angry/hateful/rude part of me that lashes out at strangers &treats people poorly, resulting in a overall change in disposition, though through having too much faith in human nature & thus being too easily trusting; though that's not a new trait so i've kind of had to adapt to see when someone's taking advantage of me, instead of me wanting to show them something or just not minding sharing the things i own.

+.30 minute set at the gulu gulu in salem that will be haunting me until i get it over with in may, it's either going to drive me nuts or i'll finally be able to do it without bringing my poems up, i might have to cheat &write my list on my hands; that'll never work i use them too much. 

+.the postitve outweighs the negative drastically, despite what this post may seem; i feel outstanding lately, i've experienced several full days of complete &total sobriety, broke my pot habit accidentally, though i don't see any harm in indulging, i'm just a little more wired without it, especially when i don't have ativan. for whatever reason, i've just got rid of some storms that were haunting my head, hopefully that'll help just put them away.

-.i feel like what i'm doing by putting myself out there like this makes me look like i'm vain &narcissistic, &i never really self admiration, i'm still not sure if i believe that people spend lots of time in the mirror, staring at themselves. I'm used to like, a quick pupil check or determining whether or not I need visine. (weird note:when i'm sleep deprived like this by itself without me inducing it, my pupils grow to outrageous black disks that are almost as big as my iris' &if you're looking at me face to face, i look like an alien. (this happens, i swear to god)

-. digressing, i practiced &briefly stopped practicing to post this, reading aloud in front of a mirror, i feel ridiculous because of the overall tone and vulgarity of my poems, the newer ones are of the same style &frenetic flow, but it's pretty clear that i'm just learning to write as time goes by through drawers of notebooks with words cover to cover that will never be read by another human being other than myself, now imagine somebody had one of them in their hands, it's all chicken scratch 



-. a while ago, on a live journal post i made, some anonymous person made a comment about how much of a joke they think my life is a joke. it's not that the insult particularly resonated with me, it just seemed like such a genuinely stupid shot at me; of course my life's a joke, you're just picking up on this now? if it wasn't such a clear attempt by some half wit jackass it might bother me a little bit, but talking outside of the big joke, that is life; there's another thing that's basically called the Truman Complex, where someone fears that their entire life has been a running gag for all of society in a grandiose scheme with a walking breathing punch line. frankly people waste their time insulting me, trust me; i'm better at beating myself up then you are, &you're just wasting your time, i only half believe that you're action of your own volition and probably feel bad for you.


-. i've lost an inappropriate amount of faith in people i used to be close with; though not over any unreasonable inflection of moral value. one of which reminded me very much of peter &jesus, everything keeps falling back to religion for me lately though. i hate it when i have to ask someone a question i know the answer to, and they lie; especially if i make it clear that i know the answer. dishonesty has been killing me lately, i guess i just think it's inconsiderate, but that's exactly my point.


-.i've made a point that my decisions are my decisions, &for some reason i can't stop hearing the end of them, even the ones that are minor&no-one's business. i'm tired of hearing about myself third hand in these exaggerated stories god knows who makes up. please, why do you care? i'd just as well be left alone, thanks.

-. i think through typing out this blog post i may, may have worked out my whole diagnosis, which is a thought never far from my mind, it of course being the one suggestion i thought preposterous, but i think i may be bipolar, as i can&have through trying to figure myself out in context of avidly pursuing wellness. though i'm unsure, &only worked this out tonight, because i can really make the distinction now that i've cut off the other from surfacing. after a while it's bound to show up in part or something, sometimes things slip out of my mouth without thinking &i know it wasn' t me that said it, or well; it was me, but regardless i've insulted someone.

-. i can hardly make it out sometimes, i thought about that in context of work OUT &i'm going to try my hardest to get used to writing on the computer, considering it's the most practical, i just happened to have two typewriters fall into my lap over dec/jan &i pine for the days where typing the words wasn't quite comfortable yet so i matched the pace of my thinking to how quickly i could type, the outcome of which isn't anything more than bizarre scrap words.


useful blog post.

over&out